Yo Momma Is Concerned

Dear Jeffrey,

I’m sorry to bother you with this message when I know you are at work, but as you know, now that we are Facebook “Friends,” I can see what sorts of things your pals write on your “wall” and I think someone is very misinformed.

First of all: I am not so fat that I have a wooden leg with a kickstand. Yes, I have put on a little bit of weight since I went through “The Change” (sorry, Jeffrey, but it’s true), but I still have both my natural legs and when I have to stand for a long time, for instance in line down at the bank, I am able to do so comfortably. Don’t you think if I had lost a leg your father would have called from the hospital so that you could come and see me?

Second: I am not so “dumb” that I took an umbrella to see Purple Rain. I don’t even know what that is, Jeffrey.

Third: My teeth are not “so yellow” that I got a job tasting butterscotch. You know quite well that I retired from the middle school almost a year ago. And if I did get such a job obviously I would brush very carefully.

Fourth: I am not so poor that my face is on the front of a food stamp. That is just disrespectful. Some people really do have to use food stamps, but they have nothing at all to do with me. Furthermore how would the people who make them even find my picture to put on them??? It’s also disrespectful to your father, who worked hard for 35 years so that we could live comfortably — and send you to the State “U” if you recall correctly.

Now, I’m not sure who this “Mark” is, but I think he must have me confused with some other unfortunate woman who is having a very hard time!

We love you and miss you very much and we’re just doing the best we can. Please tell that to “Mark.”

love,
Mom